Remembering the purpose of a date
What happens if we put the focus back on what’s important here… getting to know someone. Dating is really just about two people meeting up and having a chat. To get to know someone, all you need to bring is a sense of curiosity and an interest in another person – and you already have that if this is someone you want to date, right? Adjusting your focus like this and re-connecting with the purpose of dating releases so much pressure to begin with.
Limiting distractions
With the purpose of getting to know someone in mind, what do you think the best way to achieve that would be? Is it to put yourself in a situation where you’re panicking and not present with your date? Or would it be better to limit those uncomfortable distractions?
Let go of the idea that a date should involve going for a meal or a drink for a moment and think about situations and the places that you feel most comfortable and relaxed in. These are the situations where you’re going to be better able to show up as yourself.
Going at your own pace
We are huge advocates of taking a gentle ‘comfort zone stretch’ here at Quiet Connections. This basically means that you allow yourself to get uncomfortable -because that’s where the growth happens- but don’t throw yourself straight into the panic zone and freak yourself out! The traditional sit-down-meal date might be well into your panic zone; so you’ll want to work out what a less scary first step is going to be. You can download the workbook here to help you with this.
Even simply meeting up with your date will likely push you outside of your comfort zone to begin with, but with time your date can become someone you feel comfortable with and then you can introduce other challenges. So try picking a place or a situation that you feel comfortable in already and invite your date to join you there.
Choosing walking dates
For many of us, we feel at home in nature. We get calmer, more curious and feel connected when we’re walking by the sea or in beautiful green spaces. Walking outside has been proven to reduce stress, anxiety and depression, and the benefits go far beyond the way that nature positively influences our emotions.
Walking dates reduce the intensity of eye contact between people and puts it comfortably on your own terms. There’s still plenty of opportunity for making eye contact but without feeling like you’re in a goldfish bowl. Walking side-by-side instead of sitting face-to-face can really help you to open up and get into the flow of conversation too, creating space to think and offering conversation starters without the sense of pressure.
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You’re also not surrounded by other people and this can take a huge weight off your mind because there’s no worries about being listened to and judged by the people around you. You can focus your attention on that one person instead.
Okay, so you know what you need to do for you to have a more comfortable first date, how are you going to ask for what you need?
We often resist taking the reins when it comes to arranging a date because we don’t want our date to feel like we’re controlling, awkward or stepping on their toes. We’re often not well practised at using our voice to ask for what we need and particularly for women, there’s still often an outdated assumption that we should be submissive and people pleasing.