I think the folks going on about personal agency and relationship repair don’t get this

I think the folks going on about personal agency and relationship repair don’t get this

But there actually is. You actually entirely have a choice in the matter. Think it through. There are different ways you could go, but if you love your husband and want to be with your husband, then start exploring how you can repair your relationship. This could be the impetus toward something good.

Get some novelty in the sexual part of the relationship

But there is. You have agency in this situation, on a lot of counts. You can choose whether or not you have an affair with the guy. You can choose whether you decide to work on your marriage and start figuring out what went wrong. You can choose whether or not to leave your husband. Isn’t it more empowering to think of what aspects you actually do have control over? It would be different if your husband had had an affair, or was leaving you and you were the one who was a passive agent as everything was playing out, but it’s not like that this time. posted by mermily at 5:55 PM on [6 favorites]

I absolutely know what this is like, and I encourage you to re-read Jacqueline’s comment above. Then do some googling/research on limerence.

The first time I read about limerence, it was a shock and a huge relief. This thing that had felt so overwhelming and isolating had a name and a history and a pattern. Just that realization was a big step toward lessening its power in my life.

Key things to know: (1) this WILL pass, even though it doesn’t feel like it, (2) getting distance will help – even avoiding the person completely for a while if possible, (3) this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship. It is A Thing that sometimes happens to people, and you can deal with it and move past it. posted by jeoc at 7:36 PM on [3 favorites]

Second, you need to acknowledge and experience all these feelings. If you are feeling crushing feelings, say to yourself “I am feeling crushing feelings for neighbor.” Then let that feeling go through, you wash over you, be friends with the feeling. But don’t act on it or actively fantasize about it. Just feel it, don’t run with it. Notice everything about it, the tight feeling in the chest, the whatever. But don’t try and increase that feeling. Then let it go within a few seconds or at most half a minute. It may come back in 5 seconds, 5 minutes or 5 hours. Learn costa rican kone how often it happens and ask yourself how often you are having the crushing feeling.

Then one of you propositions the other and you go up to the hotel room you have and have sex like strangers

Slowly, you will find the duration, intensity and frequency will go down if you don’t engage the feelings or try and bring them to the front of your mind when bothered by something else (a very common thing). But you’ll have to cut this person off.

sit down with your husband. Tell him your troubles. tell him the marriage is in trouble. tell him you want to go to couples counseling.

Finally, spice it up a bit with your husband. Get a baby sitter for a whole night. You both buy different nice clothes and underwear. Assume a new identity with fake names. Meet in a hotel bar. Pretend you are strangers, maybe flirt a bit with other customers, but then flirt with the different guy your husband is pretending to be. (practice in front of the mirror ahead of time). posted by Ironmouth at PM on [1 favorite]

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